me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
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My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Good morning, Twitter x
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Oh boy, $150,000!
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.