ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
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Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
This is so me 😂😂
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
It’s actually Dr. whatever
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh