Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
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*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Hotels are back
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Why is everyone getting married at me
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.