Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
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kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
🥶🥶🐶🐶
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Lmao
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.