Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
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Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”