Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
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[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show