@foodfacenow

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

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@Darlainky

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

@captainolya

My week is basically:
Monday
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Friday
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@NapVeg

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

@XplodingUnicorn

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

@hibbary

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

@Swishergirl24

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

@david8hughes

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?