Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
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[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?