Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
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I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter