Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
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“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Tremendous stuff
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.