Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

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If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.


Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.


Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.


(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.


Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.


Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right


My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.


*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?


Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog


Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time