Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
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it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am