me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
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Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber