Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
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Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.