Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
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I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
emergency phone
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby