Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
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Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK