Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
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I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Krampus.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!