Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
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My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them