Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
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I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
*jingles half the way*
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED