ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
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It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I love you…
…r dog.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.