Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
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Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Close call…
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Saturday
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.