Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
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If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
*bites zombie*
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores