ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
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Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.