me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
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When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio