Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
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Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland