Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
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I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy