Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
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My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.