Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
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Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property