Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
You Might Also Like
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big