Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
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I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet