Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
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9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.