Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
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barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
This is true.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.