ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
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Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it