Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
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If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.