me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course