Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
You Might Also Like
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.