Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
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Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
spot the difference
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.