Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
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This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Thursday Thought.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
do u think theres a butter planet?
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him