Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
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My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me: