Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
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I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.