Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
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Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Hamburger Hinderer.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
my retirement plan is braless
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.