Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
You Might Also Like
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Fidel Castro was alive?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
A sick whale is called an unwhale