Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.