ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
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I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]