ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
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People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
mariah carrie
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
2022: I can fix it
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.