Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
#have a #great #PancakeDay
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click