Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
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Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
bout dat hot dog summer
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here