Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
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I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
And that about sums it up.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.