ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
You Might Also Like
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
This story is comedy gold 😂
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Is this you?