Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
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I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
just gave your address to some spiders
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.