ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
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I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.