Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
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Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Unimpressed
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Sounds like a bargain
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”